"I believe there are angels among us"

Made a lot of memories today with the wonderful Skylar Nelson. (And enjoyed the time that I spent with the amazing Marisa Folsom). There's so many things that happened today. I'm going to speak it in my code first because this is mine and Skylar's way of communicating. We first went to Saturn then we headed off to Jupiter. After Jupiter we went to our usual spot, The Moon. We had a great time talking about things. Then went to Pluto, and eventually ended up at Venus. We dug out my old child books. Read some of my Dr.Seuss books, and I even tried rapping some of them (realizing I'm way too white for that). We even lost to the 20 questions ball a few times before picking the word "Penis" and winning after laughing at very perverted things like "Do you hold it when you use it?" or "Does it taste good?" At wal-mart, I found sweetleaf again. (MY ALL TIME FAVORITE TEA, google it if you don't know it.) Had fun at the park.


BUT OF ALL THOSE MEMORIES I MENTIONED ABOVE, NOTHING...I REPEAT: NOTHING WILL BE BURNED INTO MY MEMORY THE WAY WHAT HAPPENED ON THE WAY HOME WILL BE.

I didn't want to sound crazy. And I'm not going to put in this blog what I talked about with Skylar, but it was deep. It's something almost impossible to believe, but I'm so glad she knew where I was and exactly what I meant when I was struggling to get the memory out of my head and into words just right. It's something I've needed to do for a while, and I'm glad she was there to relate to it.
In the middle of this deep conversation right at the last turn before her house this shooting star appeared from the sky, but as soon as it showed up it disappeared agian...not to the ground, but back, tucked safely out of Earth's atmosphere, to the Heavens. I almost didn't believe what I saw because we just got done watching Charlie St. Cloud. "No, no no!" I thought but outloud it was "WOOOOAHHH!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!" I wasn't just seeing things. She saw it too. It had the most perfect timing that could have been expected. (If you knew what we were talking about right then, you'd understand, but that's personal). We didn't even say to each other. This was the conversation
Skylar: I...er...I almost....I think...I
Me: No...I know exactly what you're thinking.


It keeps replaying over and over in my head. Like a dream. But that would mean it'd be a dream both Skylar and I had while awake. Because I can't say it any better myself, I'm going to quote Skylar. "goes to show you the shooting star was a friend tellng us we're in this together and with perfect timing." I can't tell you the way I feel inside. How much more aware and alive I felt finishing my drive home. I'm sure the only other person who could possibly feel the way my heart feels is the person who shared that image with me. Skylar.



It just leaves me saying: I know we have a guardian angel. I know we do. Without a question in my mind. And tonight....tonight I'm going to tell God I'm listening and feeling with my soul instead of my body for what may be the first time in my life.

Age does not determine wisdom.

Sometimes I think that people older than me just like to argue with me to try and "shut me down" because I'm a kid. Like they think that I don't know what I'm talking about. There's things about me that most of Beeville doesn't know. People don't realize how smart I am, and people refuse to see that unlike most, when I talk about something and stand my ground it's because it's something that I believe in. Not because I'm a "young, impressionable person". So, you would love to "see me when I'm 30" to see how I am then and if I still think the same way? I would LOVE to walk up to you when I'm 30 and tell you that I've stood my ground since I was even younger than I am now. That I've always stood for what I believed in all the way back to when it was just me standing for my right to stay up past 9 p.m. when I was little.

When you argue with me, please please please have a valid arguement. You just look like an arrogant older person who assumes theyre always right just because they have a few more years packed under their belt than I do. Also, please have a solid platform to stand on when you're deciding to argue about something, tell me my statements are false, tell me that basically I don't know what I'm talking about, and that I'm bullshitting. I do know what I'm talking about. It's a subject that I stay updated in and that I actually pay attention to. If you would realize, most the stuff you said WAS bullshitting.


So don't treat me like I'm stupid just because I'm only 18. I won't ever let my guard down, and I'm not the person who will jump off what I believe in to follow your silly band wagon just because you're a few years old than me. Excuse me for having a personal opinion, but maybe that's what kids my age need in this world these days. An actual view on things.


Don't underestimate me, I WILL shut you up.

Daredevil Bird Clique

So I don't know about any of you, but I know of at least one other person (Krista) who knows about these birds that I hate so much. Let me tell you about these wonderfully dangerous birds. (Haha wonderfully dangerous, I sound like a commercial for cereal. "They're magically delicious!")

Daredevil Birds: okay, so these are the birds that, when you're driving down the road, refuse to move from infront of your car till last minute. What always happens is: You're happily driving along and you see a bird in the road. It doesn't move. You get closer. It doesn't move. You're right on top of it. It finally decides to take off, just missing your car by inches.

My scenario of these incidents: You're driving happily along obeying all the laws and you see a bird.
"Move birdy"
You start getting closer and the bird hasn't even flinched.
"Birdy, please move." -hold breath-
You get right on top of birdy. -heart stops-
Birdy flies up into the air. -closes eyes (yeah I close my eyes as if it could hit me personally. yeah, I know it's dangerous) and heart stops for a split second-
Birdy makes it out safely, barely missing the car by inches.
-Start breathing again and heart starts pumping blood again-
"Whew the bird made it okay"
-Realization hits-
"DAMN BIRD! YOURE RECKLESS! DONT YOU KNOW THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR LIFE?!?! DONT YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE CRASHED!!!!?!?!?!" (I know I wouldn't have crashed over a shampoo bottle sized bird, I just overreact)



What happened today (dun dun dun): Going 65 mph I hit one of those birds. I hit one. I...(whisper)...murdered one. That's one less daredevil bird to worry about. And I know that sounds mean, but in MY defense: I was going the speed limit (which I NEVER do), I was paying attention, and I went through the whole panic attack said above minus the bird escaping by just inches. I did everything as I was supposed to. It's the bird's fault. He had every potential energy in his little birdy body to fly away on time. To fly away before my car even became a danger to him, but he just HAD to give into peer pressure. He had to impress all the other little birdies that were in the daredevil bird club. He wanted to become a part of their clique (which obviously he wasn't yet. He didn't know how to up and fly away on time, so obviously he had never done this stunt before. Hence: he wasn't in the daredevil bird clique yet). He chose to stay there. I didn't tell him "Hey birdy, let's see how long you can sit there!" Infact, I was saying the exact opposite. Peer pressure cost him his life!

Maybe I didn't kill it. Maybe there's that small hope somewhere that he's still alive. He did fly off...to the side and up. Was he flying himself or was it from the impact? I don't know. But theres that little flicker of hope that. Or maybe if it was him flying off, he was flying off with what little dignity and pride he had left to go off and die. (Kind of like the bird that Krista hit with the discuss. R.I.P. Discus hit bird).

Then it seemed like on my way home, every bird I saw within 100 feet of me on the road would up and fly away way before they normally would. It's like they knew I was a .....murderer.


This is a warning to all of those birdies out there. Fly away on time birdys!

One of those deeper conversations...

Ever find yourself talking to a friend that you know is a friend that you'll have for the rest of your life? I love when the conversations come up with them and you feel like you find a new part of yourself in them. Like little pieces of you lie within the people in your life, and you're meant to find those pieces of yourself. That's your life's purpose. To find every puzzle piece of yourself and simply put yourself together to find who you are.

I love the people that you can start a conversation off really goofy, just having fun talking about nonsense and your conversation can go from goofy to serious in point three seconds. Those are the people, and conversations that I love the most. I have a conversation with a friend of mine today that I won't soon forget. I'll hold back that person's name unless they want me to mention them just to respect the intamacy of the conversation. I'm also not going to talk about everything that was talked about, just the parts that truly hit home with me and the parts that I feel would hit home with others.


Part one: Finding who you are.

I think that at my age (18) it's okay to not fully know who exactly you are yet. We are at a point in our life where we don't know what the next step is. It's one of those times where you honestly just have to "go with the flow" and see where your life takes you. We have to actually finally grow up (even though a lot of us won't ever truly "grow up" :p ) without the help of the many educators, family members, and friends around us. Granted we will still have them, but they won't be making every decision for us from here on out. We have control of our lives for the first time. The steering wheel is finally in our grasp, and we don't know what to do with it. That is more than 100% okay. We don't have to know everything quite yet. But to be in tune with yourself, to know yourself inside more than outside, it truly does take lots of time. In the words of my very wise friend "Time and solitude." "...many people these days take so much time to know other people but they never come to know themseles." I find that to be true. And I find that to be something that I myself have never realized until just then when they said those words. But the question there is...do we know what we're looking for when we look for ourselves? I think we gotta look deeper into who we are. Like think: what do you like about yourself? what are good assets that you have? what makes you tick? who's your hero...why? Do they even know they're your hero? Think about it this way:
Look at your friend you've had the longest, or your sibling for example. You know them very well I presume. You grew up with them, you've looked up to them, you love them. You know how to piss them off, and you know how to make them happy. There's things you love about them. Now say "hello" to yourself. Look at yourself as if you weren't you...but as if you were someone that you would really love getting to know. Someone very intriguing. What do you like about yourself? Would you like a certain movie? What do you know about yourself that makes you stop and think "man...I really got this!" What makes your bestfriend your bestfriend? How can you do anything you can to become your own bestfriend?


Part 2: Purpose of Life

Of course we are all here for a reason; we dont ever really know what that reason is. It seems harder when it feels like we can't even grasp that reason, but honestly... I dont think we're supposed to know our purpose. Cause that would suit our life. It would make our life that much easier, and I don't think our lives are supposed to be easy at all. Or we find a purpose and move on to find what else is in store. We move on because we have more than one purpose. In the words of my friend again: "is it [the meaning of life] to fufill one'se destiny? To help others? To live a good life and be happy?...I want answers." We all want answers. Weird answers that one day, we will be able to know. Honestly, I think the purpose of life is to help others while being as happy as you could possibly be. Meaning: if you aren't completely happy, focus on your feet. Get your ground and make your life something wonderful for yourself. Not necessarily making something big of yourself, but making yourself happy. I think making yourself happy makes family happy and friends happy. Which in turn is helping them see that the young person who used to eat glue in kindergarten isnt that kid anymore, but they're still happy whether or not they're eating paste. I think really we can only help people to the extent that they let us. To the extent of our own ability of helping. We all want more in life. More than what we accomplish, but I think whats important as far as accomplishments go is being proud of yourself. Taking it as it comes and just allowing yourself to be happy with your accomplishment. Soak it up and then move on. Savor it before moving on to the next accomplishment, dont rush it all. Don't let things slip by you too fast.


Part 3: True Happiness.

First, I would like to put the whole quote of what my friend said because this is what slapped me in the forehead. "The way I see it, our whole lives we are striving to make money and be financially stable. Why? Because if we are financially stable we can have nice things and we think we will be happy. We won't have to worry about trying to survive from paycheck to paycheck. If people have one thing that they think will make them happy, the chance of failure is high, but if you have multiple things that will make you happy, you will be. Or you can simply change the things that make you happy. The sway of the wind. The early morning birds." I don't think being financially stable and buying nice things truly makes us happy. I think it makes us less concerned and less nervous about life. Like it gives us a sense of security that helps us understand that even if we fail at whatever we try next, we'll be able to still be on our feet one way or another in some way. It keeps us economically moving, but I don't think it truly makes our heart happy. Like, does your laptop REALLY make you happy? No. Does being able to talk to friends anywhere in the world because of your laptop make you happy? Sure, but it's the talking that makes you happy...money can't buy talking. Does your ipod TRULY make you happy or does the noise? It's the noise. The money didn't buy the noise. A baby laughing at your silly faces and stuff...it makes you feel good about yourself. You didn't financially invest or inherit the baby's laughter. It just happened because of who you are on the inside. It's what truly makes you happy and money had no part in it.


Part 4: Expectations.

Again, I would like to post my friend's full quote: "I question it sometimes if everyone really needs to go to college... like that's the route that's planned for every single one of us. Go to college + getting a good job = happiness ?? That's not right!!! There's many other variables that can lead to happiness. I think it's so silly. What if you want to travel the world? Or become a monk? Or become a selt educated author? Who says that all those things won't make you happy??? Society has formulated it so that we tend to go down the route of college. It's so methodical. Everyone is expected to do it. Everyone should do whatever is going to make them happy." I've questioned a lot lately. Whether I even want to go to college. Like personally. Do I want to sit in class and listen to someone's OPINION? I would love to be able just to write all day, take photos, live my own life without wondering about a test or anything of the sort. And I agree, college is definately not for everyone. Not based on intellegence, but based on...that's simply just not something that everyone truly wants to undergo in their life. We do it because it's whats expected of us. This next idea I get from Jodi Picoult (an author, google her). We become who we are based on the people around us. If someone needs a strong person, lets say to open a pickle jar perhaps, we at least try anyway we possibly can. Because the person next to us needs us to. Or wants us to. Possibly even expects us to. Does that mean we can..or even SHOULD open the jar? Not necessarily. We become what people expect of us, but that doesn't mean we have to. Sometimes I find myself looking at my life and wondering "what if I went this direction?" Or "but if i take this path ill be able to..." but like I said earlier, we should just take things as they come. Roll with the punches. I mean, it's a whole hell of a lot easier said than done. But anything that comes our way, be it trials or fun it prepares us for the next step in our life. We can't see it coming, but we can be as prepared as possible. Or try the best that we can to be prepared. We don't have to be what people expect. We can take life head on and say "you know what, I'm done conforming to society." You can be your own person no matter what you do. Whether you go to college or not. Whether you live up to other peoples expectations of you or not.




You have the steering wheel to your own life. Drive on.

Let's.

Let's lay on the grass under the stars just like we're kids again. Let's pretend to know what we're talking about pointing out stars and constellations, calling them all the wrong names. Let's close our eyes and let any hope or imagination fill our head. Let's hold on to that. Now let's open our eyes to a bright sunny brand new day, get up and live it.

Let's hold on to those hopes and imaginations so tight that they become our reality in the day. Let's grasp every ounce of courage and every milimeter of stength we have to pull through all the trials and tribulations. Let's fill our hearts with nothing but pure love. Let's spread out our love all over the world.

Let's live in that world of love and keep the blood pumping from the heart of that world to every vien known as the inhabitants of Earth. Let's look at everything from a childhood perspective. Everything is now bigger, marvelous, magnificent, new, bold, wonderous, and interesting. Don't lose that feeling. Let's close our eyes and dream the biggest dreams we can.


Let's never wake up from our subconcious hopes. Let's live the dream.

"It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you, it's what you leave behind you when you go."

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG day.
Like, it was the longest day ever before even noon. It's not that it was long physically, it's that there was more thinking than I've done in a week shoved somewhere between the time period of 4 a.m. and 7:55 a.m.


I didn't know what it was at first, and I still don't think I truly know. But thanks to Doug's facebook status I started thinking about a little bit of everything again, and not in a bad way.

"It's not what you take, it's what you leave behind" is what his status was. Which made me think of that country song "Three Wooden Crosses". Which part of it is now this blog's title.



Friends? Family? A legacy?


I'll leave you with the question:
what are YOU going to leave behind you? will YOU be proud of it?

Time.

It doesn't slow down for anyone. No exceptions. Even though there are some days that we spend being bored and thinking 'OH MY GOODNESS THIS DAY IS GOING BY TOO SLOW!', truly time flies. I don't think there is enough time in life to get everything done. Which is why I think we need to live every day to our full potential.
It won't slow down and there definately aren't any "Time Outs" in real life. It's not a football game, when someone gets hurt, people don't kneel and wait for the clock to go back on after the injured is off the field. What happens really is: people learn to cope with whatever injury, they get back on their feet and realize, time wasn't stopped. They don't get to make up that time.
Life goes by crazy, but it's the little things in life that keep me going. The way the world is full over colors. It's amazing. The sun rises with a purpose and for a reason, but I also know that the sun doesn't rise by itself.

Live every day to your full potential. It's going by fast.


------
I can't believe it's been four months today. It seems like some of the days have dragged on, but when time gets here and hits you, you're like "Wow, okay...its this day already?"
I have never known anything in my life to be more missed and more loved by a group of people than these two boys. It's been way too long since any of us have seen your smiles, but I know you guys are having a blast in Heaven and smiling down on everyone. I can't wait to see yall and have the party that Heaven is definately not prepared for.
Im keeping the Hardys and Viratas in my prayers today along with our whole community.

Rest Easy boys, we love and miss you.
R.I.P. Reagan Hardy & Mariano Virata.

Sam and I could be professional creepers.

So there sam and I are, sitting in my car at sonic trying to think of something to do for the day. You know how when you're looking at the menu or at anything and your eyes stray for just a moment? Well mine did, just to happen to make eye contact with the guy next to me. He smiles. I go back to the menu, not a big deal.


Then it pops in my head, "Imma be creepy" and I proceed to pretend to act like I'm taking a picture of him with my phone, but he doesn't notice, so I tell Sam to lean back in the passenger seat and act like she's taking a pic with her phone through the back window. He still doesn't notice. Then we get the BRIGHT idea to follow him. Sometime earlier though I was like "oh you, boy right there...blue shirt. you work at walmart, I bet youre wearing khakis too".


So anyway, he's backing out and I'm like "awww we haven't even ordered yet, we can't follow him...remember his liscence plate number, it's a sandy colored toyota!!!" and I tell her to "wave goodbye" to him. So she does and I laugh, she laughs, and he even laughs. Well sonic was backed up so he was kind of stopped behind our car for a bit looking at us and laughing while we laughed. So we order, don't think anything of it, and decide to go walk around walmart. As we drive up I'm like "wouldn't it be funny if he really did work here?" Turns out he's parked way in the back like most walmart workers do, sitting in his truck preparing to go inside. So sam and I park a ways away from him and watch him for a little bit before noticing that he's getting out of his truck.



So Sam and I take off, knowing he would recognize the texas state stickers on my car. Well then we have the BRILLIANT idea to drive by him. he notices us drive by, gives us "the rock" eye and stares Sam down. It was so funny, I almost peed myself. So then we go waaaaay down the parkinglot so he doesnt see us anymore, and finally he goes inside. We drive back to where his truck is because we have the amazing idea (after seeing my window chalk on the floor of my passenger side) to write on his truck and draw hearts or something. So as we sit trying to think of what we would write, too many creepy quotes that we could write come to our head. THIS puts it in our mind to write a creepy love letter and leave it on his windshield. So we go into walmart to buy a pad of paper.



So while we're inside to buy paper, we get the idea to make it that much more creepy wed try to bump into him. We look around the WHOLE store for him, turns out he was in register 18. We did NOT use his register. We were too nervous. So we go and sit in my car and write this creepy love letter and decide that incase it starts to rain we were going to go back into walmart and buy some plastic baggies.



We go back in walmart, while back inside we walk past his register like 4 times trying to see if he would notice us. We also decide that we would turn this into my next youtube video. So we buy batteries for my camera along with the plastic baggies. While inside though, we discover that this guy's name is FREDDY (thank you Rebecca for being our designated creeper of the day for us and reading his name tag). We go and stick the note in a baggie and put it on his windshield and drew a heart with window chalk on the window behind his driver's seat window.


This is what the letter basically consisted of: (a video of me reading it will be on youtube at some point in the near future)

"""" Dear guy,
I'm sorry I dont know your name, but these moments we've shared today have been...amazing.
Lunch with you at sonic was a blast...get it? ;) (I had a sonic blast) I saw you eating your tots through my window. They looked yummy. Like the person eating them. I wanted to share one with you, like in lady and the tramp...when their lips meet. Maybe one day you can feed me some, like I'm your princess and they're your grapes. (then i drew a bundle of grapes and wrote) <--- those are grapes.
Driving through the walmart parkinglot was a rush when our eyes met. I know you saw me too. That eyebrow raise was pretty sexy. Like "The Rocks" but better. Mmmm rocks. I bet you have rock hard abs.
Register 18 huh? I'll tattoo that on my heart. I was too shy to go down your line, while you were checking out another customer, I was checking you out. You have amazing bagging skills.
cant wait to see you again
♥ xo
We can call this our first date """""""




HAHA, okay because this is Beeville, I'm really hoping that somehow he is standing around somewhere with a group of friends reading this letter as a joke and laughing about it and all that jazz. I hope that he talks about it so much that his friends begin to talk about it and it gets back to me somehow by me hearing about it.

Lets mark today's date (well yesterday's since it's past midnight now) JULY 3RD 2010
and see how long it takes for me to hear this story about myself....

July. July. July. July.

It's July already. That's crazy. The summer is just going by faster and faster. Really it seems like summer just started for me because work just let out for me.
Anyway, I dont think there are alot of events here in July other than of course independance day tomorrow. I just hope alot of this time gets spent having fun.
This is going to be a short blog, because I just want to keep it updated now and there's nothing eventful happening other than a bunch of rain and street flooding.